I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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