I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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