She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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