look no pants
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
