I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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