just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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