Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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