omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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