I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I didn't notice because vodka
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
