News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you inspire me to be a worse person
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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