Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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