I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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