So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize