were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
