I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
