So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize