As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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