i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
