nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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