Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
