I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
