I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
