i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
