chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize