Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
