I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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