My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
