I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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