you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize