I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
