Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
