there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
wow bdsm is so cute
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
