I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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