Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
