im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I love having hate sex.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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