I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
