Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Drake has all the answers
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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