I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
