Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
