I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So many bounce houses so little time
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i think my cat just said my name.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
