I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
