Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
