A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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