I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
