Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
