she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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