Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
