remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
