You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
