happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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