a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
