I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
do nipples grow back?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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