Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I could make wine with my vomit
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
