Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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