I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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