I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
