this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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