Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
