Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Randomize
