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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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