From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize