he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
