I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
