Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
