I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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